Sigh After Denial

Today I am deeper than bone tired.

 

Recovering  

from my 3rd brain surgery  

has been different.
I just don't have the "oomph"  

I had the first two rounds.

 

It's going well by all standards.

 

Symptoms have abated.
I walk around the block.
I cook dinner.
I even run errands.
But mostly I lay around.

 

It's going well. I am getting better.

 

I just can't put my finger on what's different.  

It's like something deep inside me has broken.
I'm no longer fighting this disease and  

desperately holding on to the illusion  

I will get my life back. 

This IS my life.  

It's not the one I wanted. 

But it's mine.

 

It is a slow life.  

There is a lot of time to read.  

Time to ponder.  

Time to feel.  

Time to process.  

I like that.  

Is it strange?

 

I know it won't be like this forever. 

I know I can be symptom free.  

But my "old life" is long gone. 

There is no going back.  

Only forwards.  

Towards recovery and health, which will likely include some adjustment.  

I don't know what yet. But I am willing.

 

Maybe I am so tired  

because I have finally given up the struggle-- 

the battle I was never going to win anyway.  

The one where, somehow,  

I would beat this beast of a disease back into a metaphorical cave  

and it'd be like it never came.

 

Instead, I am just going to let it be.  

And I'll be.  

And I'll manage it. 

And accept that I have a disability. 

#Disability #SCDS #SuperiorCanalDehisenceSyndrome #SCDSAwareness #BrainSurgery #Spoons #Spoonie #ChronicIlliness